somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
