sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
