I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
