How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my poor anus
I'm getting married
To pizza
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
