you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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