I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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