Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
4 words: hood of his car
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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