one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
