literally had 100 drinks last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
