Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
