Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
