wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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