Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
