Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
