Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
