Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
