Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
