I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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