It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
