i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
