Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
