you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
