So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
