I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
