yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
