Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
