I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
