You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
