and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
