You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
