Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
