There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
