i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
