I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
