my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
