she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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