my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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