my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
