thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
