I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
