I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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