Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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