You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
