guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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