You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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