You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just google imaged poop.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
