I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
