it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
