Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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