my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize