I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
