this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we're making bets on your personal life
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
