you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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