so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
